I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!