if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.