I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
calling in to work dehydrated
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.