“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
my sentiments exactly
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.