me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.