* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
You Might Also Like
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Bootstraps
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: