road rage
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’