I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
🤣🤣🤣
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Your secret is safeish with me
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day