I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.