I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.