@dave_cactus: Plot twist: The Rock isn't Kid Rock's real dad.

@DevilryFun: Wish a poltergeist would move in so there'd be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

@dafloydsta: [job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? "I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man" *under his breath* holy shit he's good

@wesleybordelon: Me: Can I have a quickie? Waitress: Sir, it's pronounced "quiche".

@IamEnidColeslaw: if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers