Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*