@sofarrsogud: [Driving by a massive pile up] SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash. ME: It’s a collidascope. SON: WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

@RandiLawson: Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said "This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things"

@pakalupapito: i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash

@HaleyMDriscoll: My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I'm only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

@stevevsninjas: Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this? Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!