I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.