@patnspankme: I haven't been this confused about what's going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He picked a fight with a raccoon" HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
@alispagnola: I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.
@slimmy_shady: If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.