I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
thinking about a very short hotdog
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I’m going to need a moment here.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Girl, same.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex