When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT