I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
also my go-to takeaway order
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.