I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
listen closely
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*