I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
#parenting
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”