I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.