I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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