I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?