I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
And then there were 4
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.