I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”