I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
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You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT