I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
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angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?