I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet