-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Natty or not?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.