I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
A wise man once said nothing.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “