MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Dating Tips
1.
2.
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4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT