@iAmDelFreaky: I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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@onion_an: Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex Me: Yeah Gf: I'm having twins Me suspiciously: We only did it once why's there two babies
@aka_fatman: People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace in the Middle East?" We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That's why.
@SardonicTart: Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he's named after a religious bundle of hay.