@thatUPSdude: I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
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@Abusitron: Me: why do bad things happen to good people? God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* Me: oh God: *nods solemnly*
@FrakkingAwesome: The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend "you get this one, I'll get the next 1" and then never see them again and make new friends.
@thejamietighe: *cop pulls me over* Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight? Me:What makes you think I've been drinking? *cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*