@TheBoydP: I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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@Birdhumms: 70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
@DevilryFun: Just once I want to wake up to something exciting. *Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
@tacos_y_cerveza: If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
@MelKassel: SCIENTIST: it's our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom