I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?