@TheBoydP: I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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@david8hughes: [first day as a negotiator] Me: release one hostage Terrorist: no Me: release half of one hostage
@mlinhart: LIFE HACK: If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
@jellybnbonanza: My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day! Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
@panmidwest: DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text DOG FRIEND: which color heart? DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one DOG FRIEND: omg