Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆