@Anti_Joke_Apple: I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
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@xofreckles: Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
@Thing_Finder: TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
@prufrockluvsong: If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good