@Anti_Joke_Apple: I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
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@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
@aidanjsears: [my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
@LurkAtHomeMom: If my 6 year old tells me someone was "mean to him" I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.