DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I identify as an antique shop.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.