@duplicitron: I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I'm walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@primawesome: Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
@hythemafia: Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
@LisaFarted: So I'm trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, "I will kill you in your sleep."
@daplusk: Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.