I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Banana is the quietest snack
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.