I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
This kinda thing happens to me often
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.