I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
You Might Also Like
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Never let them know your next move 😂
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine