@gorrdano: I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
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@underchilde: I haven’t smoked in years, but I still carry a lighter around in case I’m ever in the mood to set someone on fire.
@mstern68: Please don't be curly Please don't be curly Please don't be curly I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
@mattgallo123: *goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD
@TheSadnesses: [elevator] “Wanna buy a spoon?” Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes.