@gorrdano: I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
@pleatedjeans: me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
@LoveNLunchmeat: People who say losing weight is "just math" clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
@ShoutingGoddess: A sincere apology is like coffee.
Don't talk to me beforehand.
@DebraMuffin: Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.