@gorrdano: I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
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@Versacheetos: Kim - Where is North West? Kanye - *takes out compass* Kim - I mean my baby! Kanye - I'm right here. Kim - Jesus Kanye! Kanye - Yeezus*
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'd like to pay by card." Waiter: "Contactless?" Me: "No, you can cuddle me."
@GrumpyComments: It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl's "I haven't finished but I know you're about to, so I'll try to be supportive" moan.