@gorrdano: I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
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@hippieswordfish: '911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE' uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don't you hang up, lose the 'tude and lets try that again, pal
@Sickayduh: I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair
@AmericanGent69: Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run. Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
@koalaslament: the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air