I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother