I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space