@curlymalloy: I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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@ficklenuts: Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.” My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
@TheHatdog: Google Search: -is my toaster broken -can fire ants make toast -bathtub fire, small -house fire, how to stop -is house fire toast a thing?
@thomas_violence: 'gamer' & 'foodie' are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
@Carbosly: This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas. His name was John.