best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.