I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems