I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Don’t we all.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here