Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.