@SarahFemme: I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
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@teenpuke: what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce
@themorris23: I use the word "thingy" when I cant think of the word: Me- Are you picking up the "thingy's?" Wife- ...you mean your kids? Me- Dont judge me
@realHamOnWry: That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.
@TheCatWhisprer: All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.