I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King