“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”