Where鈥檚 the lie? 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 馃槇
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I鈥檓 armed and legged.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
There are 2 wolves inside me and they鈥檙e both eating tacos
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
馃槀馃槀
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
fourth time鈥檚 the charm
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill鈥檚 Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff鈥檚 badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.