I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Is….Is this an option?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*