I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
pep talk
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.