I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
just left a huge legacy in there
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now