I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?