I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask āOK, so is THAT Fortnite?ā and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as āTotally Fortniteā
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Ohā¦that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and donāt forget the condoms!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
In high school I was best known as āHey whatās your friends name?ā
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Mission Impossible…ššš
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our carā¦.Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[Valentineās Day]
Husband: These Reeseās hearts look weird. And why arenāt they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reeseās pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I love when British people call it a ārubbish bin,ā like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m calling the cops.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.